Brace yourselves, metalheads—Slayer’s saga has taken an unexpected turn. Just when fans were gearing up for the band’s re-reunion shows, the news dropped: the re-reunion is officially off. Yes, you heard that right—Slayer is done. The devil’s horns are drooping in defeat.
The announcement came via an Instagram post from Slayer’s legendary guitarist, Kerry King. The post featured a hilariously Photoshopped image of King and bassist/vocalist Tom Araya engaged in an intense thumb-wrestling match. The caption? “Tom and I have decided to settle our differences the old-fashioned way. Winner gets the last slice of pizza. Loser gets retirement.”
Fans were left wondering: Is this an elaborate April Fool’s prank, or has Slayer truly called it quits? We dug deeper, reaching out to Kerry and Tom for the real story.
Kerry King, spotted at a vegan coffee shop (because nothing screams “metal” like almond milk lattes), shared his side. Stirring his oat milk latte with a pentagram-shaped spoon, he confessed, “Look, Tom and I have been through hell together—literally. But lately, we’ve been arguing over the crucial stuff. Like, who controls the band’s Spotify playlist during road trips. It got ugly.”
Meanwhile, Tom Araya was found at a retirement home (because what’s more metal than bingo night?). Adjusting his reading glasses, he quipped, “Kerry thinks ‘Raining Blood’ should be on repeat. I prefer ‘Seasons in the Abyss.’ Plus, he keeps stealing my Werther’s Originals.”
The tension reached new heights during rehearsals for the re-reunion tour. Kerry insisted on tuning his guitar to “Satan’s B-flat,” while Tom was all about the melodic “Lucifer’s A-sharp.” Drummer Paul Bostaph tried to mediate with a compromise—“Hell’s C”—but it didn’t help.
In a joint statement, Kerry and Tom announced the tour’s cancellation:
“Due to irreconcilable differences over snack choices, we’ve decided to disband again. Slayer will now focus on our retirement home tour, where we’ll play bingo halls and shuffleboard courts.”
The retirement home tour kicks off in Transylvania (because nothing says “retirement” like Dracula’s castle). Setlists include fan favorites like “Angel of Death” (dedicated to the guy in Room 666) and “South of Heaven” (because the cafeteria serves killer Jell-O cups).
Rumor has it, Slayer’s final show will be on the summit of Mount Everest—amps in tow—unleashing a sonic avalanche that might just wake the Yeti population (who are already filing noise complaints).
So, there you have it: Slayer’s re-reunion is now a re-disbandment. And the epic feud? They’ve agreed to settle it with a thumb-wrestling rematch. Winner gets the last slice of pizza. Loser gets a lifetime supply of Werther’s Originals.
As Kerry King puts it, “Hell awaits… but retirement homes have better bingo nights.”
Happy April 1st, everyone!
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for entertainment purposes. Slayer’s actual plans may or may not involve thumb-wrestling and snack disputes. For real updates, consult your local headbanger.
