Attention metalheads, brace yourselves for the latest twist in the rollercoaster journey of Slayer’s career. Just as fans were gearing up for the anticipated re-reunion shows, the band shocked everyone by calling off the reunion altogether. Yes, you heard it right, no more Slayer shows, leaving the devil’s horns drooping in disappointment.
The bombshell announcement came via an enigmatic Instagram post from Kerry King, the legendary guitarist of the band. The post depicted a Photoshopped image of him and Tom Araya, the iconic bassist and singer, engaged in a thumb-wrestling match. The caption humorously read, “Tom and I have decided to settle our differences the old-fashioned way. Winner gets the last slice of pizza. Loser gets retirement.”
Fans were left puzzled, wondering if this was an elaborate April Fool’s prank or a genuine decision. Seeking clarity, we reached out to both Kerry and Tom for explanations.
Kerry King, sporting his signature tattoos, sat down with us at a vegan coffee shop (because, you know, almond milk lattes scream “metal”). Stirring his oat milk latte with a pentagram-shaped spoon, he explained, “Look, Tom and I have been through hell together. Literally. But lately, we’ve been bickering over trivial stuff, like who controls the band’s Spotify playlist during road trips. It got messy.”
Tom Araya, on the other hand, joined us at a retirement home (because where else do you discuss retirement but at bingo night?). Adjusting his reading glasses, he revealed, “Kerry insists on playing ‘Raining Blood’ on repeat, while I’m more of a ‘Seasons in the Abyss’ guy. We just couldn’t see eye to eye. Plus, he keeps swiping my Werther’s Originals.”
Tensions reached a peak during rehearsals for the re-reunion tour. Kerry favored tuning his guitar to “Satan’s B-flat,” whereas Tom preferred the melodious “Lucifer’s A-sharp.” Drummer Paul Bostaph attempted to intervene by suggesting a compromise with “Hell’s C,” but to no avail.
In a joint statement, Kerry and Tom announced the cancellation of the re-reunion shows due to irreconcilable differences over snack preferences. Instead, Slayer will embark on a retirement home tour, performing in bingo halls and shuffleboard courts.
The retirement home tour kicks off in Transylvania (because why not start in Dracula’s castle?), featuring classics like “Angel of Death” (dedicated to the guy in Room 666) and “South of Heaven” (perfect for killer Jell-O cups).
As for the grand finale, rumors suggest it will take place atop Mount Everest, where Slayer will unleash a sonic avalanche that’ll shake the Himalayas. Yetis are already lodging noise complaints.
So there you have it, folks. Slayer’s re-reunion has turned into a re-disbandment. And as for Kerry and Tom’s beef, they’ve agreed to settle it with a rematch of thumb-wrestling. Winner gets the last slice of pizza, while the loser scores a lifetime supply of Werther’s Originals.
In the immortal words of Kerry King, “Hell awaits… but retirement homes have better bingo nights.”
Happy April 1st, everyone!
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for entertainment purposes. Slayer’s actual plans may or may not involve thumb-wrestling and snack disputes. Please consult your local headbanger for accurate information.
